We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
