I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
