I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
