Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
