I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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