I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
