Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
God, I missed his penis.
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