I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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