Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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