Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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