broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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