So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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