Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
