in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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