dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
