I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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