And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
