May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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