my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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