Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
