all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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