also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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