I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
