i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
