I just cut my nipple shaving
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
