watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
