Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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