Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
