my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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