a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
What a dumb baby whore.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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