bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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