So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
