Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
whose ass print is on the piano?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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