hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
