I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
