Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
