I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
