What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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