I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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