so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
