they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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