Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
