So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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