My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
