I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
