that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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