Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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