The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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