i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
