So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
