i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We need a shit load of segways right now
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
