So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
