sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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