I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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