i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
