You just made me feel so damn special
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
