Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
