Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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