I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
