The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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